Anti-Terrorist's Religious Code of Conduct

Hello friends, I am the anti-terrorist. It has come to my attention that the current Pope has issued a pastoral letter to Catholics and Ireland apologising for sexual abuse of children by clergy. Ireland is a relatively small country, so I can only assume it's going to take some time to hand write individual apologies to the rest of the world as well. I'm not holding my breath though, and I've decided to start my own religion. Since all religions feature a substantial list of thou shalt nots, it seems as good a place as any to begin. So, don't eat a pork. Don't keep dogs, they are unclean, you have to walk them all the time. Don't be extravagant and don't work. Don't drive, don't turn on lights. Don't turn off lights. Don't buy, sell or conduct business on the Sabbath. The Sabbath to be decided by me at some point in the near future. I'm thinking maybe a Tuesdays. Don't commit suicide. Don't eat when you're supposed to fast, or fast when you're supposed to feast. Don't eat mud. Don't eat shellfish, leavened bread, leaves, twigs, skinning or firewood. Don't eat milk with meat. Definitely don't eat bats, camel sharks, or unsweetened breakfast cereal or roadkill. Roadkill is definitely off the menu. Don't have your picture taken. It could steal your soul, I'm told. Don't drink coffee. If you must drink coffee, then don't drink alcohol. And if you must drink alcohol, then never do drugs. If you do do drugs, you are hippie and must be euthanized. Or exorcised. Maybe a few push-ups. Don't divorce unless you are willing to pay me a lot of money to sign off on it. Most of all, don't have sex. Don't read about it, write about it, talk about it, think about it, look it up on the internet or plan to do it where I won't catch you. Because I will. Don't use any machinery or electricity. Be poor, be celibate. Obey me at all times because I... am infallible. Dress like people did 200 years ago to honour me, please. Don't trim the sides of your head or your beard. Do not under any circumstances let me catch you wearing a bling. Or a burgundy. Or a bag on your head. Unless you are an unattractive woman. All these things offend me, all of them. And why am I telling you this? Because you need me to connect to your higher self. You cannot do it without me or outside any one of my buildings. Because you want to follow my rules in this life. So you can get to the afterlife. Where they have a chocolate furniture. And I'm not talking about the expensive 70% rubbish. I'm talking about real Cadbury's goodness. And no Brussels sprouts. Because they are evil and I forbid them. So, Blessed be to all who follow my rules. And for the rest, an eternity of small over cooked cabbage like veg with no butter. And no gravy. Oh, I nearly forgot. Which is impossible because I am infallible. Send me money. And maybe, just maybe, I give you another millennium or two before I bring down my eternal wrath upon you all. No. Thanks for listening. You