Golden Crocoduck Winners 2012

Welcome to the fourth annual Golden Crocoduck Award. Thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen. Oh, you're too kind. And my thanks to St Jude Thaddeus, the patron saint of lost causes for hosting this glittering event. Well, it's been an exciting day. All the stars have been gathering for the awards ceremony here at St Jude's Theatre. There's the Pope arriving, sharing an intimate moment with St Jude himself. And could it be? Yes, even Kent Hovind has arrived to watch the show, of course coming in the back way. As you know, his son is one of the contenders for a coveted Golden Crocoduck this year, awarded for the biggest breach of the Ninth Commandment in pursuit of the creationist cause. And they're all in for a real treat, because it's been an exciting and closely fought contest this year. There was a lively debate on the voting video forum, and as voting proceeded, it soon became clear that we had no obvious front runner. Two of the contestants were running neck and neck. So let's announce the results in time-honoured Golden Crocoduck tradition by starting from the back of the field. Yes, we now come to the top two. As I said, the number of votes they were receiving throughout the count were very close. It was a kind of Dewey vs Truman moment because I started to prepare videos on both of them. And the final vote tally was a nail-biting 1278 votes against 1209. So who had the highest score? Well, let's introduce him with his own immortal catchphrase. I should have listened to my dad. Yes, Eric Hovind, the rascal, showed that he's a chip off the old block and just managed to squeeze ahead of Ian Juby to win this year's coveted Golden Crocoduck five years after his dad won the very same award. So let's look back at Eric's spectacular rise to fame. Even as a youth, Eric featured in his dad's seminars and speeches. We live in Pensacola, Florida. Been there for 15 years. I have three kids, one of each. And when Hovind's senior was locked up in the Pensacola Penitentiary for cheating on his taxes, young Eric took to introducing his videos. Why are we here? Where do we come from? For that matter, where are we going when this life is over? I don't know. In this seminar that talks about the age of the earth, Dr. Hovind gives solid evidence to show that this earth is not billions of years old. And it wasn't too much of a step to then blow the dust off dad's old scripts and make a living out of reading them aloud. We still see spiral arms on our galaxies indicating there are less than billions of years old. What have been here for billions of years? There should be lots of supernovas out there. You can't consistently lose heat until eventually you get cold. But Jupiter is still very hot. Well, how could it be losing heat for billions of years and still be hot? Now Eric seems to pop up everywhere from his Christian science evangelism videos to chat shows with Ray Comfort. And because of this, we're beginning to get a much clearer and rather disturbing picture of him. I thought that you're nothing but an animal and that you're nothing but something that has no morals. There are no moral absolutes. You're going to behave that way. Sex outside of marriage. Who cares? Lying, stealing. Who cares? It wouldn't matter. I had an episode on the Fundamental and Flawed podcast with a couple atheists and they asked me, they said, Eric, if you were not a Christian, would that let you just do anything you want to do? I said, absolutely. I would live my life with absolutely no restraints at all. I would do whatever I want. You would? Boy, hate to say it, Eric, but if that's the case, then your morals are worse than any atheist I know. After all, most Christians don't become cheats, liars and thieves when they lose their faith. I certainly didn't. And most of the people in France or Japan or Sweden don't seem to need Jesus in order to lead honest and decent lives. Yes, we do do what we feel like and what makes us happy, but as long as it doesn't harm or inconvenience anyone, if you had a frustrating and sexless youth, that's too bad, but don't expect the rest of us to follow suit. Because for us, sex between two consenting adults prior to marriage is perfectly OK. But stealing someone's wallet or cheating on taxes, well of course that's not OK because that does hurt or inconvenience other people. If billions of law-abiding people can refrain from cheating and stealing without the threat of hell and damnation, then surely Eric, you can do it too. If you can't, then I'd respectfully suggest that there might be something worryingly wrong with your basic upbringing and character. And that's where we get lots of...you guys get lots of testimonies as well. I'd be in jail if I wasn't a Christian. Ooh, awkward moment. Bit of a low blow, Ray. And goodness Eric follows Jesus and doesn't behave like an animal. Sort of. Since that vicious attack, the left comfort unable to perform marital duties, Eric has continued preaching his dad's peculiar version of science to the creationist masses. And Eric was even able to call in an expert witness. Now we have to come out here to California and I'm having the pleasure of sitting down with a geophysicist that unfortunately has to remain anonymous. So can I call you Steve? My name is Gladys. All right, so Steve is going to share with us. Now, just Steve, let me ask you, as a geophysicist that works in the profession out there actually doing the work of a geologist and things like that. Are you really concerned about people knowing your identity because it will affect your job? Absolutely. Actually, the pixelated geophysicist did make one interesting point. Eric Hovind, you may remember, was first nominated for a Golden Crocoduck for this absurd suggestion. The Colorado River exits the canyon 1800 feet above sea level. It inserts the canyon 2800 feet above sea level and the top of Grand Canyon is 7000 feet above sea level. So you tell me, did the river flow uphill for millions of years to carve out the Grand Canyon? And as I explained, rivers don't flow uphill. What happened was that the Colorado Plateau was uplifted and then eroded by the Colorado River that sat on top of it. And erosion are the two most basic principles of geology. Well it seems Eric took this on board. Whenever I presented the whole idea of the Kaibab uplift and how it had to be cut through a breech dam, the offense, the evolution side is no, the ground rose up while the river continued to carve for millions of years and they say all that layer you can trace and you can see that it has risen up that high over the last several million years. Any evidence to that? It has risen up. Yeah, I suppose it has. It's higher. I think that's kind of a no brainer. So there you have it Eric. Even your own pixelated geophysicist tells you the Colorado River never flowed uphill. He agrees the plateau was uplifted just as I said. So Eric you've learnt something and as Dave Barry would say, we've learnt something too. The pixelated geophysicist would be a great name for a rock band. I love it that here we have a geologist that is a professional that says, yeah, the evidence fits is consistent with the biblical world view. Don't miss the rest of this Creation Science Evangelism series. Eric Hovind interviews a biologist. Eric Hovind interviews a cosmologist. Eric Hovind interviews a chemist whose nose has been replaced by a penis. After years of plugging away at science and presenting this solid evidence of a young earth to creationist audiences, Eric finally got the chance to present his solid scientific evidence to a couple of real scientists at the Reason Rally in Washington, Thunderfoot and Aaron Ra. Now was his chance to confound them with how galaxies should have spun out and how the recession of the moon proves a young earth. So what would be his first question to stump them? Can we find blood cells in dinosaur bones or trees growing through millions of years of sediment? Nope, his first question was this. Is it impossible for God to exist? Hang on, Eric, every time you talk to creationists you bring up your solid scientific evidence. Solid evidence to show that this earth is not billions of years old. After all, your organisation is called Creation Science Evangelism. But when you get the chance to show real scientists what they got wrong and stump them with your solid evidence, you chicken out. You ask a vague, banal and unanswerable question that pertains to philosophy rather than science. The question is malformed. Is it impossible? Is it an absolute impossibility for God to exist? Of course it's a malformed question on many levels. My problem with the question, and I get asked it a lot, is that Hovind hasn't defined what this God thing is. In another debate he defined it as this. Here's the definition again. God is a spirit, infinite, eternal and unchanging. It is being, wisdom, power, holiness, justice, goodness and truth. So my definition of God is right there, and that's what I want to talk about as far as we talk to you. He's a spirit. So that's kind of a simple definition of what is God. So is it impossible that a spirit exists that has all knowledge, all power, and is infinite and eternal and unchanging? Is that an impossibility that exists? But of course that's not a definition of what Eric believes the God is. This description is so vague it covers just about every God in every religion ever invented. Some people define this spirit as the God of Jewish tradition, who made the universe 6,500 years ago and came to earth in human form or made Muhammad his prophet. Others think the God made the universe 13.7 billion years ago and controlled its development. Some think this God made all the animals and plants instantaneously. Others think it directed evolution. Others think it created life and let evolution unfold on its own. So in the interest of clarity, Eric, did your particular God make all the animals and planets and stars and galaxies in a single week about 6,500 years ago? The answer is yes. Thank you. And did it flood the entire world 4,000 years ago? Yes again. So if that's your definition of God, then the answer to your question is yes. It is impossible for this God to exist because we know that these feats attributed to it either didn't happen or didn't happen in the timescale you claim. We know this through observable geological, cosmological, physical, chemical and biological evidence. Now if you want to dispute that, that's where we can discuss the geological, cosmological, physical, chemical and biological evidence that you claim supports the creation of everything 6,500 years ago and the flooding of the world 4,000 years ago. Since you've gone out of your way to avoid having that discussion, I suspect you know that your evidence isn't that solid and is only suitable for gullible creationist audiences rather than knowledgeable scientists. The encounter with Thunderfoot culminated in this rather poignant question. People in the cycle, are they actually, if they believe in God, are they brave? Do they get out of the rain for a minute? Do they know it? Are the brave sites we've seen know they're not? Do they know that? How do you know that you're not one of these people? Because I've got revelations from God. You heard right. Eric Fitz is his own characterization of someone in a psych ward. A lot of people in psych wards, Eric agrees, believe they have a revelation from an invisible being, whether it's Jesus, an alien from another planet or a pink rabbit. But the reason Eric doesn't think he belongs in a psych ward is because he has a revelation from an invisible being. So is he dangerous and insane? No, I think Eric's just safely delusional. The reason he thinks he'd be dangerous without Jesus, despite the walking evidence of billions of nice, honest people who don't have a Messiah, is because that's what he was told, day in, day out, every day of his childhood. Make kids believe this year after year, and eventually they won't be able to unbelieve it. Without Jesus, you can't function as a decent human being. If you don't believe in God, you'll burn in hell forever. If his parents had been equally devout Muslims, you'd see Eric with a beard on YouTube, slamming Christian blasphemers. If his parents had been members of the Phelps family, he'd be holding up a God hates fags sign at the funerals of American soldiers. Eric is the perfect example of how easy it is to mould children into believing whatever the parents believe, as long as you shut them off from outside influencers during their formative years and scare them enough. But that's no excuse for making speeches and videos designed to mislead people about science, which makes Eric a deserving winner for the 2012 Golden Crocoduck. So as the litterists swept away from the St Jude Thaddeus Theatre and the last molested boy limps home from the Catholic After Party, it's time to bid farewell to this year's Golden Crocoduck. Congratulations Eric, the award is in the mail. And that's as true as the uphill climb of the Colorado River.