Non-Violent Extremism

Putin withdraws from Assad leaving sticky mess and gaping hole in the Middle East. Disinterest in climate change breaks all records as Earth burns like whatever. In the UK, Osborne's budget forecast increased slave whippings and richer cunts. Hello, minstrel crabs. I'm wiping it off the bedsheets. You're watching the fucking news. Here are the headlines tonight. Donald Trump to be abandoned by the Republican Party as democracy goes out the window in favour of business as you use you all while selecting a candidate who cannot beat Hillary Clinton. So bankers can continue fucking America in the assets. Turkey and Europe agree to keep bombing Syria and make all those who escape go back so we can bomb them some more. Apple sites founding fathers as they face federal court judgment on FBI requests for iPhone backdoor, leading to total invasion of privacy no matter how much money you spend. A few wealthy families on the whole planet and all the valuable resources on it while land those peasants and economic slaves swallow hot, steamy untruth from a giant cock of lies pishing straight into your mouth. And now, tonight's top stories. Vladimir Putin has announced the withdrawal of Russian forces from Syria just days before the restarting of peace talks in Geneva. In an exclusive interview for fucking news, we had the man himself explaining his actions. So you want to know why I pulled out of Assad? I mean Syria. I read all that piss on Google about Putin abandons Assad and Putin saves face and money and troops. You're all missing the very obvious, perhaps on purpose, no? So let me tell you why I'm pulling out now. It's because we have totally fucked you up. Seriously dude, we have owned your fake ISIS terror army's asses in just a couple of months. While you've been lying to your dumb people for five years, oh, we're trying to defeat ISIS but we can't find them in the empty desert with our space satellite global Hawk over superpower technology that could see a bicycle from space. Oh, we just cannot beat ISIS. Well, we fucked them right up comrades. There's nothing left to value the bomb in Syria belonging to ISIS. We've totally destroyed every oil refinery, every tanker, every storage depot that your Saudi Wahabist mercenary army of Allah were using. We blew them to pieces. Don't fuck us all at once. So yeah, come to the peace talks and get ready to bend over and take it up the Assad. Just my little joke. Oh yeah, okay. That's what Assad is. He's my little joke. Because you know, it's true, I couldn't give a fuck about Assad like yourselves. One puppet is as good as another. So I may not know who the future ruler of Syria is, but I do know what a target looks like from a bomb side of a mig. Yeah, it looks like boom, it's gone motherfucker. So we'll negotiate a new ruler for Syria and some kind of fake parliament like you have in Egypt and your planning in Libya, like you have in Kuwait and Bahrain. Hey, yeah, see you totally democratize those oppressive regimes, didn't you? Yeah, you may be getting away with that gigantic cock of lies with your own people, but in Russia, we can smell the shit of a bull from 30,000 feet and drop a bomb on it. So let's see how your story about fighting ISIS goes down when there's no fucking ISIS left. See you in Geneva, assholes. President Putin there, forthright as ever and there will be much more on that story later. Hi, I'm Dick Jackson. Have you heard the one about nonviolent extremists? It goes a bit like this. Some people's views and beliefs are in themselves so extreme and offensive to ordinary normal despots, psychopaths and murderous governments around the world that must be sanctioned for simply thinking them, saying them or writing them down. I know it sounds a bit Orwellian, doesn't it? Okay, it sounds very Orwellian. But it got me thinking, maybe I'm a nonviolent extremist, so I looked up the definition of nonviolent extremist. It says it's anybody saying things that may cause alarm and distress or undermine democracy. Fuck, I can barely open my mouth without causing alarm and distress. Shit man, I'm probably on top of that list, so I thought I'd better get a few things off my chest, you know, before it's completely illegal. Here we go. The economy is demonstrably unsustainable and a fraud created by the few people who own the planet to keep you busy while they fuck you in the assets. How am I doing? Anyone distressed or alarmed yet? Let's see, gosh, it's hard when you're put on the spot like this. Oh, I don't know. Let's see, I'd like to kill the Queen and fuck her dead body. I would. I'd strangle the bitch with my own hands wearing a GoPro in 4K HD. I'd choke the life out of her. Flip her over and pump her lifeless body full of jism, though I understand that all your sphinxers relax upon dying, so that may be a bit like throwing your sausage up a train tunnel. Of course I'm speaking figuratively about an imaginary, non-specific Queen. Just to be clear, this is a good one, this is a good one. I believe the war on terror is a lie and our governments are the people funding terror, committing terror and pretending we need to be spied on to stop it. Then if anybody starts to catch on, they can arrest them and or shut them up using laws they wrote based upon terror they created. You can see how that works there. That last shit was really alarming and distressing, don't you think? That's probably the most alarming and distressing thing I believe or have ever said. Do you know why? Because it's a fucking fact. Laws to spy on people and shut them up are not for our protection. They protect the people creating terror and war and economic slavery. These laws are to protect the people who spy on us and the people who want us to shut up. I swear, there is nothing you can say, think, believe or write down that ought to trouble any fan of free will, freedom or liberty. Except laws to prevent you speaking, thinking or writing things down. So fuck the government, death to the government, kill the government. That is of course an unspecified specimen imaginary government that might be acceptable for you to hate or fight against. Say one that took away your right to speak or think or write things down. Yeah, kill that government, fuck that government, fuck them up good, fuck them now, before it's too late. Oh, it already is. Before you can't say that or speak that or write that down without someone knocking at your door. Oh, I think I'd better go. Thanks, and may your government be easily overpowered and your god be insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I don't believe what the government says. And I want to undermine democracy. I don't believe what the government says. And I want to be non-violently extreme. I don't believe what the government says. I want to create a lot more distress. I don't believe what the government says. I want to say that 9-Eleven's alive. I don't believe what the government says. I want to say that War on Terror's Alive. I don't believe what the government says. And I want you to question what you believe. I don't believe what the government says. But I don't want to be banned from broadcasting or required to submit to the police in advance. Any promos, publication on the internet or social media or in print, you Nazi bastards. The bill will also contain plans for banning orders for extremist organizations which seek to undermine democracy. Let us be clear. To defeat the ideology of extremism, we need to deal with all forms of extremism. And stop people saying things we don't like. Stop people saying things we don't like. But I want to eradicate the people alive. And I want to undermine democracy. And I want to be non-violently extreme. I am opposed to your traditional British values. I do not tolerate your bizarre beliefs. I want to create a lot more distress. I want to say that my livings are like. I want to say that War on Terror's Alive. And I want you to question what you believe. I don't believe what the government says. I don't believe what the government says. No, I don't believe what the government says. But I don't want to be banned from broadcasting or required to submit to the police in advance. Any promos, publication on the internet or social media or in print, you Nazi bastards. The bill will also contain plans for banning orders for extremist organizations. Which seek to undermine democracy. Let us be clear. To defeat the ideology of extremism, we need to deal with all forms of extremism. And stop people saying things we don't like. The world's most interesting climate change has reached astronomical levels, say experts in willful delusion. After global temperatures in February were the most above normal since meteorologists started keeping records in 1880. Top scientists in the field of human ignorance warned we are in a new era of climate disinterest. Earth got so hot last month that scientists struggled to find words describing the temperatures as staggering and strange. And yet, nobody, it would appear, gives a flying fuck. Industry continued unabated. Commerce strived on stock markets around the world to do even more damage. Even faster. News organs, media outlets and internet sites appeared oblivious to the significance or even the occurrence of the apocalyptic changes unfolding in front of our very eyes. Spueing out Trumpmania and migrant fear fantasies instead. The total lack of interest should be surprising because February followed 10 straight, unbroken monthly global heat records and 3 consecutive years of the hottest temperatures ever recorded. What? Is it warming here or is it just me? During which time human ambivalence, disinterest and contempt for Earth reached alarming new heights. The disinterest levels are what we would consider beyond unnatural, said Professor Dusty Bifocal. Experts are hoping to study the phenomena of not giving a fuck about shit that's totally obvious and life-threatening by observing smack addicts shooting heroin into their eyeballs. Or meth heads smoking a bowl whilst surgeons amputate their gangrenous limbs. In the Arctic, sea ice reached a record low for February. Land temperatures averaged 8 degrees above normal. In January, Arctic land temperatures were 10.4 degrees above normal and worldwide February 216 was warmer than the last 136 marches. If disinterest continues in the face of such accelerating change, Earth will start looking like something out of a sci-fi movie. This is a kind of movie that ends with billions starving to death while the elite bundle their gold bars into a bunker and try to breed with their sisters to repopulate the Earth. But hey, who gives a fuck about that? This is the fucking news. In the UK, George Osborne has given the annual budget for the nation. Here is his wretched, rich mongering puke, infill. Mr Deputy Speaker, today I report that our economic slavery is set to grow faster than any other major advanced slavery in the world. I report on a slave labour market delivering the highest slavery employment in our history and I report on a mumbly-mumbly jumbly definition of deficit that only I in a handful of lying Tory tossers would ever describe as an accurate reflection of a nation's debt. The British economy is a fiction cooked up by a few wealthy families who own all the land. Everybody who isn't one of them is basically livestock with no choice but to take part in the rapacious slave-whipping fantasy. The British economy is growing because we have so bamboozled the population into accepting landless lives of peasantry and toil for their owners that they willingly take part in their own exploitation and swallow almost every lie we pitch down their open mouths. However, I must tell the House that we do face challenges. Financial markets are a turbulent casino of get-rich-quick-ponzy schemes that could go tits up at any minute. Productivity and growth across the West is too low because no one can afford any more shit they don't need. Furthermore, the outlook for the global economy is a little bit scary since a tsunami of derivative debt and unabashed money printing hovers over us like a giant seagull poop aimed in your face. This all makes for a dangerous cocktail of risks. We have seen the Bank of Japan join Sweden, Denmark, Switzerland and the European Central Bank with unprecedented negative interest rates, barefaced evidence of the worthlessness of fiat currencies and their fraud of fractional reserve banking. Mr Deputy Speaker, if the people catch on that we're just making this shit up and printing money to cover our ass, we are in deep... I propose the following measures. First of all, let's pretend there's a shortage of money and there's only so much to go round. Second, let's pretend business needs to keep as much of that money as possible from fucking everybody over a buck just to keep the economy going. And lastly, let's pretend that the really, really big problem is that we spend too much money paying benefits to blind people with no legs and homeless rape victims. Mr Speaker, this is a budget that gets investors investing, savers saving, business doing business and really, really rich wankers coming in their pants so we can build a giant slave-whipping economy exploiting Britain, insecure at home, wrong in the world. I commend to the House a budget that puts the next generation's head down the toilet and flushes it whilst stubbing fags out on their bare bottom. Thanks for watching the fucking news and now the weather. The planet's fucked, it's your fault and it's getting worse. Have a nice weekend!