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Table 3: The Benefits of Oxytocin Fear - Cortisol Love - Oxytocin Aggression Anti-stress hormone Arousal; anxiety; feeling stressed-out Feeling calm and connected; increased curiosity Activates addictions Lessens cravings and addictions Suppresses libido Increases sexual receptivity Associated with depression Positive feelings Can be toxic to brain cells Facilitates learning Breaks down muscles, bones and joints Repairs, heals and restores Weakens immune system Faster wound healing Increases pain Diminishes sense of pain Clogs arteries, promotes heart disease and high blood pressure Lowers blood pressure, protects against heart disease Obesity; diabetes; osteoporosis (From http://www.reuniting.info/science/sex_and_addiction) Love - Oxytocin Anti-stress hormone Feeling calm and connected; increased curiosity Lessens cravings and addictions Increases sexual receptivity Positive feelings Facilitates learning Repairs, heals and restores Faster wound healing Diminishes sense of pain Lowers blood pressure, protects against heart disease White Tantra and various forms of spiritual sex. It heals and holds relationships together rather than driving them apart as frequent orgasmic sex seems to do—although, as we shall see later, it is also possible to have bonding orgasmic sex. For a wealth of articles on the hormonal aspects of our sexuality, see http://www.reuniting .info/science. considerable strain on a relationship. During this time we tend towards increasing irritability, nagging, resentment, frustration, blaming each other and similar negative emotions as an expression of a biological hangover. Depending on our emotional make-up, we may now develop a subconscious desire to separate, and many couples do just that. Over time, couples may start losing interest in sex and withdraw emotionally, or they may try to shift their emotional involvement to other common interests and in this way may be able to maintain a satisfying relationship. Still others may try maintaining peak dopamine experiences by exploring all the different sexual positions or start swapping partners or becoming interested in a new partner. Dopamine peaks can also be maintained by becoming addicted to something—it does not really matter to what: it may be to legal or illegal drugs, games, racing and betting, chocolate, or frequently finding a different sexual partner. Apart from causing long-term stress-related and other health problems, addictions also have a host of unpleasant side effects on our capacity for intimacy. With the present structure of our society, it is obviously an advantage to form stable, co-operative, sexual relationships for the benefit of the children and also for the emotional well-being of the arents. As this objective is contrary to our evolutionary neurochemical conditioning, we need to find ways to outsmart the hormonal changes that drive us apart. In hormonal terms, we need to maximise oxytocin production and avoid the dopamine rollercoaster. Apart from occasional rocreating activities, all of this could be done within a loving, latonic relationship. However, there is a biological catch: to maintain a strong and healthy body, we also need to maintain a strong production of sex hormones. This hormone production is best maintained by sexual feelings. As with muscle activity, it is est to use it or we may lose it. This leads us to two remaining questions: "Can sexual activity without orgasm be satisfying?" and "Is orgasm needed to stimulate our sexual glands and maintain the health of our sexual organs?" These questions cannot be confidently answered from theoretical considerations, but fortunately we already have a wealth of practical experience in this regard. SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS Presently a large number of marriages end in divorce, often after only a very short time. Informal relationships are even more fragile. While this is a rather recent phenomenon, the underlying reason has always been there. In previous centuries, dysfunctional marriages simply were held together by social pressure or an inability to get a divorce. The underlying reasons that drive relationships apart are rooted in the hormonal characteristics of our sexual relationships. In evolutionary terms, we are conditioned to spread our genes as widely as possible and provide a safe environment for raising our offspring. This means we are programmed to meet someone, fall in love, mate to conceive a child, and after some time to meet another lover and repeat this procedure. Females are attracted sexually to handsome men, but often choose mates based on resources and parenting potential, and males try to spread their genes by being strongly attracted to any (fertile) female with genetically desirable features. This evolutionary pattern comes to a head after pregnancy when the woman maintains a high prolactin level during breastfeeding, and instead of maintaining a loving oxytocin connection with her partner she now has switched her oxytocin bonding to the baby. In this situation, sex is hormonally undesirable and any orgasmic sex leads to further hormonal and emotional instability. Therefore, what happens presently in our society is perfectly normal in evolutionary terms. The main problem is just the unacceptable amount of emotional distress and social upheaval that it causes. Other casualties are our health and well-being, which are greatly enhanced by harmonious long-term relationships. Initially we are bonded together by falling in love through a generous release of oxytocin, and we enjoy the exciting peaks of dopamine release during our sexual encounters. Gradually the oxytocin glow fades and we begin to fall out of love, and it also becomes more difficult to maintain an exciting sex life. Instead of enjoying dopamine peaks, increasingly we now have to cope with the dopamine lows after our routine sexual encounters. We begin to see all the faults in our partner that were previously covered by high oxytocin levels (from frequent physical contact without unpleasant subconscious associations). These dopamine lows may last for up to two weeks, thus causing KAREZZA Karezza (as well as White Tantra) is one answer to non- orgasmic sex. Basically, this practice shifts the focus of love- making from the sexual organs to the heart. There have been three basic ideas in the evolution of Karezza: increasing health and well-being, avoiding unwanted pregnancy, and increasing close bonding and sensual pleasure. APRIL — MAY 2007 NEXUS + 27 www.nexusmagazine.com