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... GLOBAL NEWS ...
NEWS
And now for something completely different...
NOT-FARMING plan to file for unemployment and food
‘ou have probably heard of the British stamps as well.
fishermen paid not to fish, and Be assured that you will have my
European farmers paid not to grow their vote in the coming elections.
traditional crops, etc.—all to keep food Patriotically yours,
prices and trade treaties in line for globali- Duster Benton
sation. America, it seems, is also feeling PS: Would you please notify me
the hogwash... when you plan to distribute more free
cheese?
Don't raise hogs, and make (Source: Various Internet postings,
dollars now! August 1999)
Dear Secretary of Agriculture,
My friends Darryl and Janica, over at MOVE OVER, REVERSE SPEECH...
Jonestown, Oklahoma, received a n anagram is a word or phrase made
check the other day for US$1,000 from by transposing or rearranging the let-
the government for not raising hogs. ters of another word or phrase. The fol-
So, | want to go into the "not raising lowing are exceptionally clever:
hogs" business myself next year.
What | want to know is, in your opin- Dormitory: Dirty room
ion, what is the best type of farm not to Evangelist: Evil's agent
raise hogs on, and what is the best Desperation: A rope ends it
breed of hogs not to raise? The morse code: Here come dots
| want to be sure that | approach this Slot machines: Cash lost in "em
endeavor in keeping with all govern- Animosity: Is no amity
ment policies. | would prefer not to Mother-in-law: Woman Hitler
raise Razor hogs, but if that is not a Snooze alarms: Alas, no more Zs
good breed not to raise, then | can just Alec Guinness: Genuine class
as easily not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. Semolina: Is no meal
As | see it, the hardest part of this pro- A decimal point: I'm a dot in place
gram will be keeping an accurate The earthquakes: That queer shake
inventory of how many hogs | have not Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one
raised. If | can get $1,000 for not rais- Contradiction: Accord not in it
ing 50 hogs, will | get $2,000 for not Princess Diana: Ascend in Paris
raising 100 hogs? | plan to operate ona _ The public art galleries: Large
small scale at first, holding myself down Picture Halls, | Bet
to about 4,000 "not raised" hogs, which
will give me $80,000 income the first "That's one small step for a man; one
year. Then | can buy an airplane. giant leap for mankind."
Now, another thing: these hogs | wil — Neil Armstrong
not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels The anagram:
of corn. | understand that you also pay "Thin man ran, makes a large stride; left
farmers for not raising corn or wheat. planet, pins flag on Moon; on to Mars."
Will | qualify for payments for not rais-
ing corn and wheat not to feed the And for the grand finale:
4,000 hogs | am not going to raise? | "To be or not to be: that is the ques-
want to get started not feeding as soon tion. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to
as possible, as this seems to be a good _ suffer the slings and arrows of outra-
time of the year not to raise hogs or geous fortune."
grow grain. — William Shakespeare
lam also considering the "not milking
cows" business, so please send me any The anagram:
information on that, also. "In one of the Bard's best-thought-of
In view of these circumstances, | tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet,
understand that the government will queries on two fronts about how life
consider me totally unemployed, so | turns rotten."
BIOTECH STOCKMARKET IN
CONSUMER-LED DECLINE
Bess biggest bank has advised the
world's largest investors to sell their
shares in leading companies involved in the
development of genetically modified
organisms (GMOs), because consumers do
not want to buy their products.
Ina report sent to several thousand of the
world's large institutional investors (includ-
ing British pension funds), Deutsche Bank
says that "growing negative sentiment" is
creating problems for leading companies,
including Monsanto and Novartis.
"We note that Monsanto has spent more
than US$1.5 million [£1 million] to per-
suade English consumers of the rectitude of
their position, but alas, to no avail.
Monsanto is little match for Prince Charles,
an anti-GMO advocate, when it comes to
sensitivity for the English people's desires,"
says the report. "More broadly speaking, it
appears the food companies, retailers, grain
processors and governments are sending a
signal to the seed producers that 'we are not
ready for GMOs'."
Since the report was circulated to
investors, share prices in the companies
named have fallen against a rising trend in
stockmarkets generally, and the frenzy to
take over seed companies has stopped.
The concerns of European consumers are
real, concludes the report. "European con-
sumers have recently been through the
‘mad cow' crisis, the French AIDS-tainted
blood crisis, the Dutch pig plague crisis,
the Belgium chicken dioxin crisis, the
Belgian Coca-Cola crisis, etc. Therefore,
hearing from unsophisticated Americans
that their fears are unfounded may not be
the best way of proceeding."
The report is a serious embarrassment to
the British Labour party because its pen-
sion fund has large investments in two
leading GM companies: AstraZeneca and
Novartis, both of which are reportedly con-
sidering selling their GM divisions after
years of heavy investments but few returns.
The report coincides with growing offi-
cial unease about claims made for geneti-
cally modified crops. Recent US
Government research has shown that GM
crops of maize, soya and cotton do not
automatically produce greater yields or
lower the use of pesticides.
(Source: By Paul Brown and John Vidal,
The Guardian, London, website