Nexus - 0109 - New Times Magazine-pages

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Falling In and Out of Love NLP (NeuroLinguistic Programming) is the HABITUATION which Is the process of becoming used to some- study of human experience. Applying it can le thing. An Important ingredient for a long-lasting relationship. y " P 2 PP ying ad We-can feel secure that the other wili not leave us and the added to.the discovery of many interesting patterns and sreraiie from the security of having our emotional needs met oneofthemost interesting is the process of falling inlove and out ofit again. The difference between these two transitions lies in just how we think of experience with our loyer. ros Bee aA th life even more successfully. We feel more pas 2h Sle from habituation to appreciation and ny WB Us " to the exciting phase of attraction. Ny, ent through inciting Jealousy in the In both stages we deal witly pleasure and pain ie idea; although it may prevent different ways. ] Bhs if Saat ity (and its benefits) and may lead To fali In love we FAS ab on A nfortunate th Ns sof habituation can Jead to ASSOCIATE into pleasurable thoights Apfy BIp A from unpleasurable ones. Afsociation Is t i i XPECTATION where we'hhw take the good things for granted. Disso th ie forget how It was and éxpect the positive aspects of the NY el¥{jonship to.be ours as a right Pather than a freation between differences. Fhe negative results of tiitxare quife obvious in love 1 - Think of an unpleasanf time In p afi hecome a dpe instead of 4n enficement. Now we ~ having a bad time. This is PISSOCI, a g efi things AREN’T there, rathenthan when they are. é it yas wonderful when s/he rubbed ourJeet,now we notice when Miat s/he doesjt’t. There are more complaints that compli- pits. This takes‘is to though It were really happexing, and it as an observer. The follawing exercise feeling. This is ASSOCIATION. You might now like td step out B 2. Think of a pleasant time In the y aft CS having DISILLUSIONMENT: We “realise” the other person Isn’t so a good time. Once again,this is D 5 wi great, Paying attention to unfulfilied desires'Is a snresay to feel Now step into this-p rp and F fat that nara is feeling. dissatisfied and unloved. It’s a pity that some of\s respond to Once again, this is ASSO OY teling unloved by concludipgttat the other persordoesn’t love You migh eto ememacy that wae us and is even unloving-ty nattre-When described sy simply, it The difference is prpfoyhd. No wonder we boats out the other makes us seem pretty silly sometimes, but remember, this is a person. Some people progess their memories by associating into description of thé PROCESS of what we do and not whyywe do it the palnful ones and digs¢ciating freqn the pleasurable ones. They with all Its gefmplexities and Nchness. The virtue of this descrip- can have trouble forming%atisfying relatienships. Luckilyweepr tion, fitiéhelps us make chatiges In what we do more easily, by learn to think differenfy“and even create a positive-owt goby Fpeusing attentl®n.on how we are processing the relationship In reversing the prg 4 ouriming To fall oupvOf love we reverse-thkeprocess too. Once we pass a Even at thi age of degeneration the relationship isrelatively critical threshold of negetfve events with our lover, we associate easily salvaged. Not St\once enough disappointments have oc- into unpleAsant thowfhts of the lover and dissoclate from pleasant curred and a critical \ ones. This the g6od times are Just PICTURES but the bad times LD is reacheq. This is the stage where we start are FEELINGS. And love lasts according to feelings more assoclating to the negative and dissociating from the positive pictures. Then follows a thorough, cently I talked with a woman who said she hagfiever heen REORIENTATION wifere we sebbagion know fhe REAL in love in her life and on investigating I found s person and we don like what we’ve found. We are mow aware her only too welLeftheir imperfections. Sometimes we/decide that they hayeChanged “We used to be so nice, but now/.” With this , low: newilter in place, it’s Rat surprising we find as They are ERIFICATION In the offfer’s. behaviour. “I just don’t know ation, habituation What I saw iimhex, Look at the way she behaves!’/Rhe new filters ioft, djfillusionment, THRESHOLD verify through repéated detection of theother’; useless- ‘ a «att ness of continuing with the relationship. Sopfetimes the effect of F on rent ncy nets te nme ron crossing THRESHOLD can be neptraliseg by outside interven- tion, eg a counsellor, but if that dges n. step Is RMINATION: Love-hes died and ashes remain. Of course, some remain a legal couple even for decades past this stage, pre- ferring the misery they know to the uncertainties of change. NLP studies maintain there are key activities needed tocreate (other than by chance or fate) high quality, long lasting relation- ships. fs ATTRAC : We mee}sOmeaneand find them attractive and appen then the logical interesting. may Jdst for one minute, one nightoslgnger. It may lead onkt. APPRECIATION: The other person’s qualities are justso great! we filter experience to notice how superbly s/he meets our emo- tional needs, etc. At this stage both parties regard themselves as a couple, whatever the legal definifion of the relationship is. Next comes