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constant thing. I'm a very moody person. I feel my moods very intensely. For no reason I would just start feeling very blue and melancholy. But at that time I was feeling it especially strong out there in California. Itwas all ofthat tied together and the depression, and I decided thatI reallyjust wanted to go over to the other side and stay. That I had lived enough life and had seen enough that I was ready to call it quits." He went to work that day but he began to feel very emotionally drained, very depressed and drawn out. He knew he couldn't do anything at work; he didn't wantto do anything at work. He made the excuse that he was sick so he could take off and go home. It was nothing physical, itwas all emotional and mental, but he really wasn't feeling well at all. At home, the plan that had been forming in the back of his mind began to surface. He found the shot needle and after rummaging around in the kitchen, he found a bottle of PGA (Pure Grain Alcohol) avery high alcoholic content whiskey. He filled a pill bottle with the whiskey and stuffed it and the needle in his pocket Phil rode aimlessly on his motorcycle with his mind only occu- pied with his plan. "I've heard of people doing it in a very flashy way likejumping off ofa building with a big crowd and all that I didn't want anybody around. I thought that it was a very private thing that I wanted to do, and I was looking for a very isolated spot to do it in. I was serious about it. I'd made up my mind that I had had enough. I was just tired of living ... just tired, period." He really had no idea where he was going, until he came across a small winding, overgrown path that led down to the beach. There was a chain across the entrance and just barely room to slip his bike through. The path was so narrow that it would have been impassible for a car. It led to an abandoned group of cottages in an isolated cove. Years ago ithad probably been a summer resort, but now it was just 12 small cabins that had become dilapidated and were rotting away. The cove was surrounded on three sides by high bluffs, and on the fourth was a very clean, sandy beach. The only entrance was the narrow winding path. The setting was perfect, complete isolation, no other living soul. He would be alone with his thoughts and _ his purpose. For a while he lazily explored the deserted cabins, strolled along the beach, skipped stones into the surfand just enjoyed the sun. But the haunting reason for his being there would not lay dormant. It 84 The Keepers of the Garden