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plane from thatperspective. And itwas not even black and white, but just gray. It was like this was so shallow compared to the depth of realism that is on the other side. I felt really disappointed in this whole plane of existence. And Ijust didn't want to stay here. I began toread a lot about these things and the more I found out, the more I wanted to leave here." The idea of suicide was not entirely new to him. It had come into his thoughts several times during his life, but only in passing, never as anything to be taken seriously. But now his periodical depressions were becoming more frequent and lasting longer. He described it as, "ust avague kind of haunting feeling. Like this life, it's amusing and can be very trying and frustrating, but it really didn't hit me like this is where I'm at, where this is my home. I've never felt like this was home to me." Instead he began to feel a longing, an odd type of homesickness for this other plane that he had been allowed to glimpse. Since none of it made any sense, confusion and depression became his companion. During this time he decided to return home to pick up his motorcycle. He had everything going for him. He shared an apart- ment with his sister, and had a very good, responsible job in a man- agement position over several other workers. He did not lack any of the creature comforts which we consider to be necessary to our lives. mot 1 But it was not enough. He thought the trip home would make him feel better but the 1 aor. tou ec a i er: depression was still present. His twin brother decided to return with him as he hauled the motorcycle back to California. No one in his family was aware of anything being different. Phil had always been quiet and moody. But as he loaded up his belongings he picked up a unusual object, a hypodermic needle that his family used to give their animals shots. He stuck itinto his suitcase, giving himself the excuse that he might have ause for it someday. This demonstrated that some part of his being was searching for a method ofsuicide and preparing a way, even without him being consciously aware of it. There was something about California. He felt so isolated and cut off out there. Even ina crowd he felt alone. When he returned there the depression became stronger until it was all-possessing and encompassing. Even the presence of his brother and sister made no difference. The feeling of being out-of-place, ofsomething not being right," was gradually getting worse. "Itwas always there, but before it was never something that I felt like I couldn't handle. It wasn't a __ Deathin a Needle 83