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He spoke about his existence differently now. There used to be periods in mylife when I wanted towithdraw. I could predict them, itwould be a definite cycle. They would happen two times a year, in the spring and again in the fall. During that time I would feel like I was being pulled, a yearning to go home, to go back over there. It would last anywhere from a few days or the worst up to several weeks. I would be terribly depressed during those times but I never came to the point that Idid in California. I never tried that again. But now in this last year or so I seem to have kind of stabilized my own emotions. The feelings and the depressions seem to have leveled out. It seems like I've really gotten a grip on this and become somewhat content with the way things are. I've accepted all the cycles, the ups and the downs. Iseem to havejust become more at peace with that fact. I recognize them now for what they are." Iasked him ifhe thought the things we had uncovered in our eeraed bad bated Li. work had helped him. "I think ithas," he answered. "It's made me see myself in a fuller, deeper way. I see that there's more to me now than I ever really realized. And I feel happy about that, even though I don't have com- plete total recall. Just knowing that I had experienced those things gives me afeeling ofsatisfaction and contentment’ "Doyou think these sessions helped explain where those feelings of uneasiness came from?" I asked. "Yeah, I think that's true. I think it explains why I felt the dis-ease and the unfamiliarity. The high ideals that I hold for myself, I hold for other people. And it really discourages me to see people being very prejudiced, very short, very ... thieving and murdering and kill- ing, all this stuff going on in the world. It used to really bother me. And I would use that as an excuse to say, 'I don't want to be here.' Because this isjust not the kind ofa world that I want to be in. I want something more orderly, cleaner, more stable, more in harmony. What really hurt was that Ifound I wanted to be like everybody else. And so I would start doing some of the things that I disliked in other people, to appear normal. Ialways felt that I hadto in order to fit in. And that only added to my feelings of isolation and confusion and frustration." "Yes," Isympathized, "because you were trying to go against your basic character. Ican see how all that would lead to frustration. I think there's probably a lot ofpeople out there, especially teenagers, who are probably going through those same kind offeelings. And it The Mysterious Black Box 285