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STEPPING ON HOLY TOES «+ 303 result. I raised the issue of helping people more directly, along the lines of a psilocybin-assisted psychotherapy project with the terminally ill. I was drawn to a terminal illness study because of the promising work in this area performed during the first wave of psychedelic clinical re- search in the 1960s. In addition, its emphasis on the positive effects of spiritual and near-death experiences possible with psychedelics appealed to my deeper interest in these drugs. Margaret replied, "Most interesting! But to what purpose? Maybe fu- ture ‘helping’ work will shed some light on that." She also wondered about the risk-to-benefit ratio and advised performing such a study only if I was sure there were extremely few risks and an equally high likelihood of suc- cess. Insightfully, she also asked me to consider the lack of time available to undo any harm incurred from a painful or disturbing psilocybin session. The years passed quickly, and by the end of 1994 my questions grew regarding the utility of my psychedelic research. Adverse effects accu- mulated, and long-term benefit was difficult to assess. In addition, the constant exposure to psychedelicized volunteers was beginning to exhaust me. I shared these developments with Margaret. As always, she supported whatever seemed most useful for my own spiritual growth. If it involved giving up the research, she understood. However, she encouraged me to look for someone to whom I might trans- fer the project so the work I had begun would not end in my absence. The additional circumstances described in the last chapter led to my moving to Canada, but I commuted to Albuquerque in order to continue running studies. After relocating, I met the members of the local monas- tery-affiliated meditation group and started sitting with them. There existed a major branch of the order in a nearby U.S. state across the border, and their priest scheduled a retreat in our community. Venerable Gwendolyn arrived, and the weekend workshop began. Gwendolyn had entered the head temple directly from her parents' home. She had had a series of extraordinarily profound spiritual experi- ences at the monastery and was a highly ranked teacher. Nevertheless, she was not especially wise in the ways of the world, and running an urban meditation center was a significant challenge to her social skills.