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particular session, she became restless and distressed while looking me . 1 over, lying on the table. 292 * TAKING PAUSE I also was unprepared for the overwhelmingly frequent reports of con- tact with beings. They challenged my view of the brain and reality. They also stretched and frayed my ability to empathize and support our volun- teers. The lack of any close psychiatric peer colleagues added to my sense of isolation and concern about how I was responding to these sessions. The biomedical model was making it difficult to recruit volunteers, or to be encouraging about what awaited them. Long-term benefits seemed minimal, while adverse effects stood out more sharply and were accumu- lating. I could not comfortably accept nor incorporate the remarkably high frequency of being contact. Hoped-for colleagues did not join me or de- cided to compete for precious funds and collaborators. The hospital set- ting for a psilocybin study was impractical and possibly dangerous, thus making me pessimistic about working with full doses. Research team con- flicts threatened what fragile hold I did maintain over the project. Even Margot, my massage therapist, was worried, although I rarely spoke about my research during our sessions. She was a highly intuitive bodyworker I'd been seeing once or twice a month for years. During one She said, "I see evil spirits hovering around you. They want to come through this plane, using you and the drugs. I'm worried. This does not look good to me." Margot was a little New Age, even for New Mexico. I laughed and replied, "Well, Margot, I won't answer if they knock." She was, nevertheless, accurate. Whether metaphorical, symbolic, or real, there was a tremendous amount of negativity piling up around me. What to do? I didn't have to wait much longer for the solution, nor did I directly choose it. Rather, it came my way in a frightening manner. My former wife, Marion, suddenly developed cancer. Fortunately the tumor was localized, and the surgeon was confident none remained after the quickly scheduled operation. However, "just to be safe," the physi- cian recommended more radical surgery, which Marion refused, preferring instead to pursue alternative medical therapies. At the same time my step-