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195 moods, thoughts, urges, feelings, and overall emotional state in general, and note any changes and subtle shifts as they occur, and try to pinpoint what may have brought about the change in attitude. And if you can’t pinpoint the source, and it seems to have descended on you out of nowhere, then it could very well be a programming command kicking in, (or just an all around hyperdimensional/ psychic attack, a related concept mentioned earlier in this book). You never know. My boyfriend and I have gotten good at practicing this self- monitoring and analysis - a form of stalking, as it’s termed by the Toltecs - that it’s second nature for us now, although I still definitely slip up, falling victim to negative mood shifts and playing right into it. But I’ve definitely gotten better. It makes me wonder though how I got by in life without monitoring myself. Scary to think about. But it’s why most of what happened to me in my 20’s even happened - lack of awareness, not paying attention, not noticing things, not analyzing and questioning all my thoughts, urges and actions. A good potential example would be something that occurred to me around September of 2005, in the middle of the afternoon while at a temp job. The day was warm, bright and sunny and calm, with a beautiful blue sky and green trees, as I sat in the office I was using at the time. My life was great in every respect — living with Tom, who is a great boyfriend, working, making money at a temp job that to this day was probably the best temp gig I’ve ever had. Yet there I sat in this office...... with the most overwhelming urge to run away from my life. Abandon everything and just.....run. RIGHT NOW. To where, I don’t know, to do what, I don’t know, but the urge was powerful. RUN!!!" LEAVE MY LIFE!!!!!!! RIGHT NOW!!!!!’ GET IN MY CAR behind with my boyfriend Tom, and abandon both of them back in our apartment here in Virginia and just....go. The urge was so powerful, and yet so completely illogical and nonsensical that my mind was in a tug of war. So in the end I just sat glued to my swivel office chair, my fingers clutching into the chair, just staring blankly ahead like a deer caught in the headlights, completely motionless. If somebody had walked into my office right at that moment it would have been a really odd sight. Glad nobody did. I wasn’t moving, but my mind was very busy with this back and forth tug of war. It was very intense, and took about ten minutes to ride this whole thing out. And in the end, after not acting on this crazy urge Part III - Expanded Insights —_—_—_—_—— ee *e